JC v3.0

(WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO MAIN/DIARY BLOG)
Alright, in a moment of hormone-induced recklessness which happened to coincide with a surge of necrophobia. And that's while talking to King about some... PnC stuff. :D

So... I asked myself (funnily enough, I just realised it's the very same line the teacher in the I Wanna Rock music video said): "What do you want to do with your life?"

There were a series of answers from the various parts of my brains, some funny, others plain meaningless, some silly, others meaningful. Somehow, I have no idea why, I settled on: "Live a happy life of good deeds."

And so, with that, I decided to change myself, for the better. Count it as my upcoming New Year resolution. ;D

Yes, I do acknowledge that I've resolved to do this a couple of times in the past, with varying degrees of success, though all have ended in me reverting back to my old ways. However, I have managed to bring myself to... do this act of... ah, repentance. I'm pretty sure I'll come to regret it later, but it's all for the best, and I do hope I can accept it.

There I go again, talking about myself like I'm someone else. -.-

So, changing myself for the better. King and I debated while Tyr gave a small interjection every once in a while about why I want to/should change. There were loads of points, like how people who usually do good things get no rewards (as proven by the Chinese saying, "Hao xin mei hao bao."), the practical reason I should change, and the like.

King said things like, "It's not like anyone would care/know if you changed for the better. Would anyone think more/less of you if you don't spout vulgarities?"

My response was that it doesn't matter what people thought of you. I'm not changing for other people. I'm changing for myself. It's not what people think of me. It's who I am. It doesn't matter if no one appreciates someone for doing something good. It's the fact that he did do something good.

Maybe no one will notice me not spouting vulgarities. Maybe no one will appreciate me doing good things (ahem, look at the SL Camp... but I'm not going to go into that). But it doesn't matter! It's about being someone better.

He also said, " Will who you are matter if no one else on Earth knows?"

Yes. Once again, it's not about how others think of me, it's about myself.

Tyr mentioned something like, "Well, you don't have to force yourself to change."

My response? I'm not forcing myself to change. Not this time. It was the mistake I committed in the past, trying to force myself and ultimately feeling so stressed that I gave up. I'm gonna take it nice and slow this time. It may take a year, maybe two, but ho, I'd change, that's for sure.

Of course - and rightly so - my proclamation that I'd change was also met with skepticism. Mostly from King - the only thing Tyr mentioned that sounded negative's stated above.

King said: "You can change how you act but never how you think." and "Frankly, I don't think you'll change." and "Actually, I don't care if you change." etc etc.

Lovely. ;)

Some interesting points we used in our debate:

At one point, I said, "It's like saving Earth, going green, conserving nature. If you're not affected, you don't need to care. If the future generation suffers, it's none of your business. But people care! Why?"

And he conceded that he'd never thought of it that way. And I continued with stuff like, "It's like religious beliefs. People have no solid facts to prove their gods exist, but they believe anyway."

But he later came up with a remark, "Not knowing how to explain it isn't a good reason to do what your instincts tell you to do."

I replied, "It's like Tyr's leap of faith. It's a matter of belief."

I'm not gonna elaborate on how I'm gonna change my thinking, because you readers won't know, and so, won't be affected, and thus, probably won't care. No, the things that're gonna affect you is how I'm gonna handle my physical acts in the future.

You can expect:
1. Less crude words
2. Less violence (I've already cut it down to nearly non-existent, but I'm on the lookout in case any violent urges rise)
3. Less lust, less lewd jokes
4. Less sarcasm
5. More offers to help out
6. More willing to study with friends - I won't say "more willing to study" because that's aiming too high, for now, though I'd aim for that pretty soon
7. More willing to go out so as to stay away from the computer - in other words, more willing to end my computer addiction

However, I'm not gonna make myself a stereotype "GOOD IS GOOD, BAD IS BAD" nerd. Uh-uh, I'll know where the line is, and I'll be more casual and open with friends. Like, saying "damn" is acceptable with friends, I guess. You can argue, "Well, isn't saying 'fuck' with your friends acceptable too?" but I'd say that I'm not gonna cross the line.

That's about half of what I'm trying to do - learn where the line is and prevent myself from crossing it - while the other half is about doing good. It's like... 'Not doing bad' and 'Doing good' merged into one.

Labels: about me, misc

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